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When Bread is Not Bread

  1. When it drunkenly swears at you from the end of the dining room table.
  2. When it fetches the post for you.
  3. When it begins to question your life choices and if you were sensible to do THAT degree.
  4. When it laughs at you mockingly (normal laughter is okay).
  5. When it starts taunting you by throwing butter at your face.
  6. When it meows/barks and licks your face.
  7. When it has an animated discussion with you about the crisis in Syria.
  8. When it offers to babysit your children in exchange for small pebbles you find outside.
  9. When it plays against you in chess, and wins.
  10. When it eats your dog.
  11. When it kidnaps your family.
  12. When it passively-aggressively tells you don’t give it enough attention and it doesn’t feel sexy any more.
  13. When it starts impersonating Tom Selleck.
  14. When it starts doing impressions from the film, Taken or worse still, Taken 2.
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