Step One: Stare at car from a distance before approaching it to let it know you are not a threat.
Step 2: Approach car slowly.
Step 3: Assert your dominance by making several vroom vroom and beep beep noises. The car knows what it means.
Step 4: Get into car. Beep horn loudly for 10 minutes to let others know you are in control of this car.
Step 5: Turn on engine. Clutch control is the tool used by the car to intimidate you, don’t let it win.
Step 6: Ignore all the gears but remain in neutral and never pull up the handbrake. This scares the car into obedience.
Step 7: Ignore all stop and yield signs even if pedestrians are crossing. The car now knows you are serious. Those pedestrians shouldn’t be on the road anyway.
Step 8: Unnerve cyclists by moving into the cycling lane and driving slowly behind them.
Step 9: Completely disregard round-a-bouts. This has nothing to do with gaining control over your vehicle. No one knows how to use roundabouts so why should you? Go into any lane you like the look of. Chances are everyone else will too.
Step 10: Return home. Leave your car undriven for weeks. Smear jam over it every second day to let it know you’re still watching.