Uncategorized · World

How to Cure the Common Cold

  1. Pretend  you don’t have a cold. It senses your fear and nervousness – it will only deliciously consume you like a depressed ham sandwich on the worktop of life. Go skydiving instead.
  2. Play hide and seek with your cold. Let it think it’s winning. Chess is also acceptable if played while wearing a tophat.
  3. Constantly refer to your ailment as ‘common’ thus insulting the germs and making them wish they had never landed on your face after that drunken man on the bus sneezed on you.
  4. Read while hanging upside down preventing your cold from seeing what you are reading, thus making it jealous.
  5. Wash your hair in a bath of gravy. You’ll understand once you’ve done it.
  6. What videos with Samuel Jackson/ Al Pacino acting aggressive and scary.
  7. Leave cold medication all over the house so your cold knows who it is dealing with. It fears the scent of lemon especially.
  8. Force it to listen to Rihanna’s ‘Work, Work, Work’ on repeat until it gives in.
  9. Sneeze into other people faces to show your cold you don’t want it.
  10. Start laughing at nothing and at obscure moments you’re cold will begin to think you are an unworthy opponent. I mean, it could infect anyone it wanted and it’s putting up with you?
  11. If all else fails, declare to your cold that you love it unconditionally and want to spend the rest of your life with it – it will hastily retreat.
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