Beauty · Fashion · Uncategorized

Five Stages of Getting New Glasses

Denial

(I don’t need glasses – sure I can see everything perfectly fine. It’s not my fault this book was written all blur-ray. It’s all that modernisation in literature now, the squiggles represent the characters trauma and confusion. Anyway I didn’t want to read the paper.)

“Sure getting glasses didn’t help the wolf in Miss Riding Hood”

(Being able to see letters and distinguish faces is so overrated anyhow – hipsters)

“My eyes always squinted like this when I spoke to you” (who the fuck is that person?)

“Cave men never wore glasses, and they were fine” (Or were they all the ones that just get eaten!?)

Anger/HYPERBOLE –

I DON’T NEED GLASSES, BE QUIET! My eyes are fine, I just hugged that strange old lady as a test to see if you really loved me.”

“I didn’t mean to shave the cat, it’s his fault he fell asleep in the dog’s bed anyway, how was I to know which one he was.”

(I’d rather cut out my eyes myself then wear glasses. I wonder who I can ring about arranging that?)

“I hate glasses – I won’t become one of them – THOSE FOUR EYED BASTARDS!”

“Those glasses-selling people are pirates, PIRATES. It’s glasses today – new eyes tomorrow. Oh, I know how they work!”

“No superhero that was any good wore glasses. Even Superman took his off”.

Bargaining – 

(If I get glasses they will be the best. I won’t accept less THAN PERFECTION.)

(Those pirates won’t take all my money, I’ll be a hard buyer to convenience. I’ll waste all their time for my endless entertainment.)

“If and when I to fight crime, I get to take them off.”

“If someone laughs at them I reserve the right to sell their eyes to the black market.”

“If I have to get them, then everyone else in this family is getting them. We’re either in this together or not. Yes, even the dog.”

 

Depression –

“Why is the only glasses-wearing emoticon a person who is a stereotypical nerd? THAT’S RACIST.”

(Who knew choosing glasses would be this hard! I can see them snickering at me when I try on the same pair for the fourth in the slit-wide, badly placed mirror. Bastards.)

(Is this really what I’m going to look like with glasses? I’d be better off just seeing blurs and moving, indistinct shapes all the time.)

(THEY COST HOW MUCH!? How can those be the cheapest pair!?)

(Like everything in life, cheap equals ugly and glasses are no different except that more expensives glasses are only slightly less ugly).

“MY GOD, MY CHILDREN ARE UGLY.”

 

Acceptance –

(I suppose this is my life now, seeing everything crystal clear but looking less like crystal myself.)

(My eyes prefer when I wear them, traitors.)

(At least I can take them off and hide them under the couch when I feel sick of them. Can’t do that with a fake eye. Hmmm……or could I?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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